Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
