My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
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