omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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