i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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