Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
