george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
