His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
My ass is underappreciated
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
