I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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