I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
