i think my tv is drunk
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
