the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
