Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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