did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
