I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
