please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize