My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
