Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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