So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
