So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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