maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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