i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
