people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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