just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
