I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
