my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
