I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
