Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
