i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
