We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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