Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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