i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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