First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
