I will die if light touches me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
