i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
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