guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
