oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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