final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys