What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
