theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
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