he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
