She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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