OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
