This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
