my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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