Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
