based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
