I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
