Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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