Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
