We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
