Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You don't make any sense
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