I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Randomize
