like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
